Join! Saturday Has Arrived You’ve worked hard all week (as well as every week before) for the privilege of getting out and spending your hard-earned cash in search of excitement, fun, and possibly companionship. Plus, you’re in Miami…a quaint little fishing village that features what is possibly the best nightlife on the planet. Naturally, just as lions in the savannah are mesmerized by masses of zebra stripes to the point that they cannot pursue the individual, you gaze at the enormous variety of clubs and attractions in South Florida and are transfixed by the variety. Fear not, for help is on the way. I will take you to the Promised Land of the good old days using my many years of experience in Miami nightlife as a guide.
Many newbies who venture into Miami’s bars and clubs find themselves in a blur of excitement and exotic drinks, only to suddenly realize they’re drunkenly groping a stripper in a seedy bar while being held in a headlock by a bouncer nicknamed “The Plug.” There is nothing inherently wrong with this; however, this activity is generally considered to fall under the “end of the night” category. To truly enjoy Miami, the right rhythm must be mastered. In addition to pacing, you should have your route and activities planned out, at least superficially, so that you have a general plan of attack. Finally, you have to think about getting from here to there: transportation. There’s no quicker way to end a pleasant evening than driving drunk and hitting a homeless person, then being forced to hide the body because you can’t go back to jail.
Planning and pacing, of course, go hand in hand. It can be nice to start with dinner and drinks somewhere with friends, and depending on how expensive you want to go, there are plenty of options. For moderate spending (always a big hit with the ladies), you might consider a place like Puchetta in Coral Gables. Coral Gables is a nice upscale community, with shops and restaurants, but it’s quite possible to find fantastic food and drink in a classy setting without having to sell an organ to pay for it all. Coral Gables is a good place to start the night, as it is located next to Little Havana and West Miami, and also very close to downtown Miami (a short ride on the Metrorail system).
There are so many clubs and bars in Miami, choosing the ones you want can be daunting. To narrow it down quickly, you can do some research to find out which clubs cater to your particular crowd. For example, if you’re gay, you might want to avoid neo-Nazi clubs (they just play a weird mix of Ramstein and Kraftwerk anyway). If you’re a neo-Nazi, you’re probably lost.
Depending on the form of transportation you choose, some areas of Miami will be much easier to get to. For example, Miami Beach is an island and cannot be reached via the area’s rail systems. This means you’ll probably want a designated driver or a private driver (only losers take the bus). For the latter route, consider renting a limo for the night from a company like Millenium Limo. Millennium is the largest provider of exotic limousines in the Miami area, and let’s face it, if you’re going to buy a limo, it can be exotic too. If you have several people in your group, the limo option is the best as it is quite cost effective, offers great amenities, and smells much better than a taxi.
In my next few posts, I’ll go into some more specifics of Miami nightlife, but this should put you on the path to having a fantastic time in Miami, only staying in a headlock if that’s what you’re looking for (and in Miami, you can really find anything). Happy traveling and productive eating/drinking/dancing/debauchery.
