What a bloody year this has been! We have all been pummeled and tossed like a piece of driftwood into a tumultuous sea of chaos, confusion, and uncertainty. It is a fact! Some of us have been hurt more than others, but through it all, it’s been terribly hard on each of us in some way!
Depression and anxiety are a daily experience for many and alcohol use is at an all time high. Suicide rates are through the roof and school children are experiencing spontaneous crying due to the strong and unidentifiable emotions they are experiencing.
As we all “keep swimming” through life as this year winds down, I went out the other day to run some errands, just to get out of my mind and out of my house. It was an emotionally difficult day for me and it took everything I had to keep the tears from spilling out like a dripping faucet.
During one of the stops I made, the gentleman asked how I was doing. My response, with a fake smile cracking behind my mask, was, “I’m doing great!”
I knew it wasn’t the truth, and he probably would have called my BS if he knew better. Regardless, I did the rest of my errands, quite eager to get back to the safe place I call home. All I wanted to do was bury myself under a blanket and put on some Netflix to take my mind off the strong emotion. I’m pretty sure I went to bed at 7:30pm that night just to get through the day.
The next morning I woke up and the brief interaction with the store clerk came to mind. I thought to myself, “No, Tracy, you’re not okay, and why would you say you were?”
While I know no one wants to hear a sad story, he certainly could have been a little more honest and vulnerable.
I then went on to reflect on what that conversation would have been like for me if I had been 100% honest with this man and, more importantly, with myself.
Sorry for the tirade, but there is a message in all of this. In fact, I felt 100% better after my little rampage. It was about honoring and acknowledging parts of myself that needed to be heard.
It would have gone a bit like this…
Store Clerk: How are you doing today?
Honest Tracy: I’m NOT good, this year sucked. It has been the worst year of my life. Things have been brutal, confusing and devastating. I have never been as despondent as I have been this past year. Everything has collapsed and I have never felt so alone and isolated from the world.
My core business in International Education ground to a halt and I had no idea where future income would come from. My kids and I have been through depression and I could barely keep my own head above water to take care of them.
My entire belief system about who I was and the world around me fell apart. I had to face some dark, shadowy sides of myself and deal with so many changes that I didn’t know what to do with myself. I felt like it didn’t matter.
Important relationships of mine fell apart and made me feel more alone than before. I have 3 children who depend on me and I can’t even tell them what they want to hear. I have no family living near me and I have no one to count on.
It’s been a real shit show of a year and everything I once knew in my life has changed. There is no sense of normality, predictability or consistency anymore and I feel like it will never end. I feel desperate and helpless and just want to disappear! This is how I’m doing it! Not good! Not good at all!
(Applause from higher beings)
Now please don’t think that this is the victim attitude I carry in life because I am so optimistic and grateful. My point in sending this message is that I actually felt a lot of relief when I was honest.
While I didn’t unload all of this on a stranger, I did take the time to share my vulnerability and rawness with myself. I gave myself permission to talk about how unpleasant the last year was and the impact it had on me.
I know most of you are like me and want to remain positive and hopeful, however it is important to assess the impact of all of this (COVID, BLM, the riots, the fear, the fires, the election, the empty grocery store shelves, lost jobs, quarantines, deaths, broken relationships, loneliness, drama, conflict) and whatever else has impacted your life in some way.
So, as a Self-Love Mentor, I give you permission to be honest, raw, and vulnerable with yourself. This year has sucked! This year has been tough! And this year has been like nothing else we’ve been through or want to go through again!
So take five minutes, open a blank WORD document or grab a piece of paper and a pen and start downloading. Have your own fuss about what you’ve been through. And you don’t even have to limit it to 2020. You can add some old stuff if you need it from 10, 20, or even 40 years ago.
Let it flow and if the emotions come too, allow yourself to feel what you need to feel. This is a healing exercise that each of us needs right now. Get sad, get mad, get frustrated… but most importantly, be HONEST! You owe it to yourself.
Encourage those around you to do the same. If you have children, let them share by writing, talking or drawing a picture. Let the energy move.
We have all witnessed a “natural disaster” and can process what we have been through and assess the damage. Take the time to honor yourself and your feelings. Yes, it can be uncomfortable, but there is pain when removing the splinter that has been oozing under the skin for a long time.
You are worth it! You have this and you are stronger than you think.
I send each of you so much love and encouragement and please let me know how I can support you in any way. You’ll get over it, this will be over and everything will be fine!
