Much research has been done on the developmental stages of childhood. Babies learn to sit up, then to crawl, and then to walk. Children have a greater ability to reason as they get older, and logic makes sense as they move into their preteens. A logical implication of these developmental changes is that parents will have to make parenting changes along the way. Some of those changes are minor or subtle; others are more significant. One mom said it this way: “Just when she thought she had it all figured out, my daughter changed and I feel like I have to start over.”
Being a parent is a growing experience. We must make adjustments in the way we parent to effectively engage with children as they grow and develop. Unfortunately, parents get ideas into their heads about what good parenting is, and then they lack the flexibility to be effective. Although a strategy may work well at one stage, it may need to be modified or even abandoned at another stage.
For example, when that little baby comes home from the hospital, the baby quickly becomes the center of attention. The baby establishes the schedule for feeding and sleeping. Often both parents have to adapt their lives around a small child. However, as your baby begins to grow and develop, so do you. You no longer jump for every cry. Begins to set limits for a mobile child and determines a mealtime for a toddler. Childhood requires parents to give up an agenda and respond quickly to the needs of the baby. As the child grows, a change in parenting occurs and the parent requires the child to wait longer and stick to a schedule and learn to consider the needs of others.
Some parents try to simplify their job by setting policies that they believe will last for years, ostensibly believing that one parenting principle works for everyone. One father said of his one-month-old son: “I’m going to stop the teen rebellion right here.” He proceeded to set some pretty strict rules about feeding and sleeping times. That is a sad misunderstanding.
Paul acknowledges a spiritual change in parenting in 1 Corinthians 3:1-2: “Brothers, I could not address you as spiritual children, but as children of worldly mothers in Christ. I gave you milk, not solid food, because You weren’t ready for it yet.”
At each stage of development, a child’s parents must make modifications in their approach. A young infant must have ongoing physical and emotional needs in order to develop a sense of security and see the world as a safe place. As children grow into toddlers or preschoolers, they need to develop two main character qualities: responsiveness to authority and self-control.
Elementary children need opportunities to problem solve on their own and lots of teaching about relationships and how the world works. Teenagers need a completely different approach, carefully balancing assertiveness with additional dialogue as they develop their own value systems and decide who they will be as adults.
Considering your child’s developmental level and making appropriate parenting changes can make the difference between a child who accepts your guidance and a child who resists your leadership. Don’t make the mistake that allowing your baby to eat on “demand” means that she will be picky when she gets older. Rather, childhood is a time for building trust and bonding, and that often comes with a quick response to her needs. Various stages of growth and maturity will take place between now and adolescence, and you will have many opportunities to make adjustments that affect the patterns in their lives.
Another example of failure to make the switch occurs when a child begins to walk. When parents still treat a three-year-old as if he were a three-month-old, egocentrism increases and makes interpersonal relationships difficult. It usually isn’t long before parents realize the need to adjust and set more limits. When parents are slow to make necessary parenting changes at any age, children often develop more dramatic symptoms to awaken parents to the need for change.
Often the signs of the need for a parenting change are increased friction and frustration in family dynamics. If family life is not working out, there may be several causes that require attention. Most of the time it means that parents will have to change the way they work with their children. The old relationship methods no longer work the same way. In fact, they seem to cause problems instead.
Sometimes parenting change is the result of developmental changes. Other times a different approach is needed because of the child’s personality or a growing weakness of character.
As your children get older, be prepared to grow with them and make the changes necessary to influence them effectively. Even the best parents need to make some changes to the way they raise their children as they get older. As children move into their teens, you’ll want to adjust many of the ways you relate. Although you may have been able to “control” young children, the key word for teens is “influence.” Firmness is still important, but more so now than ever you are looking for ways to convince, persuade and communicate the best way to live.
Change takes time and your influence will produce the best results. Parenting is a complicated job with very few easy answers. Responsibility requires continued growth and flexibility to work with your child’s changing needs. Also, having multiple children requires parents to work on multiple levels at the same time. Treating all children the same rarely works because each of their needs is different.
Parents must be students to maximize their upbringing. Its continued growth is essential. Studying God’s Word will give you valuable insight into your children, and reading parenting books and attending seminars will give you additional tools to help your family. Be willing to make changes along the way and you will have the greatest success.
