Peter Rosenberger, author of the book Hope for the Caregiver: Encouraging Words to Strengthen Your Spirit He says, “If you love someone, you will be a caregiver. If you live long enough, you will need one.” The tips in this article are an effort to support a caregiver, often in the baby boomer generation who is in the stage of witnessing and helping with the decline and death of their parents.
Because no two personalities or stories are identical, dealing with an elderly parent is a unique experience. However, there are some basic principles that may come in handy as you navigate a similar journey. Perhaps the list resonates with you and you can incorporate these principles into your own situation.
Accept what is. Invest less in the ideal way to age and how it should look and practice more acceptance of reality. Avoid the tendency to judge and blame, because it does not change the situation. Allow parents to be who they are now. It is their journey, not yours.
Ask early about your parents’ wishes. If your parents are still independent, ask them if they plan to move into a senior community. Do you want to stay home with home help or internal help? What are your hopes and expectations? Do you want life-prolonging care, limited medical care, or comfort care? Join a conversation to discover your wishes and review the questions as your health changes.
Hear what your loved one really needs. Instead of doing what you think they need, check your parents’ wishes if they are able to communicate. There can be a big gap in perceived needs. Going ahead without verifying what your loved one wants can create additional duress for everyone. By talking to your parents, you can avoid the need to back down or apologize later when their wishes collide with your uncontrolled actions.
Hear. Deep and compassionate listening can help alleviate suffering. In a conversation, if you don’t know what to say, just listen to them and be with them. If persistence or inappropriate verbalization arises, it may be wise to change the subject or leave the room.
Put the documents in order. Does your father have a standard or living will, advance directives, end-of-life medical wishes, health care powers, medical power of attorney? Where are your documents located? Do you have copies? Have you created these articles for yourself too?
Prepare for death. Does your father want to be buried or cremated? What other end-of-life decisions can be handled or discussed now? Do you have useful telephone contact information to notify professionals, as well as family and friends when death occurs? Do you have this matter prepared for you too?
Create lists. Compile lists of bank accounts, financial institutions and investments, advisers, doctors, medications, allergies, and other important people and problems that will come in handy when the need arises. Update these lists annually or when changes occur for you and your parents and keep them where you can access them and others can easily find them.
Remember that little things add up. Sometimes the little things mean more to your parents than you think. Showing your loved one a pleasing photo, massaging a sore spot, reading to them, or bringing them a favorite food can make all the difference, even if it seems like a small gesture.
Gather support. Create a network of neighbors, friends, family, and agencies that can work together to care for a parent. Communicate within the group to keep everyone updated and aware of current and / or anticipated changes and needs. Contact agencies like hospice when you need more help.
When informing family and friends, first point out what is going well. Observing, concentrating, and sharing what’s working can dampen the less-than-optimal news that comes out later. Look for good news to share.
Create scrapbooks and scrapbooks. Collect photos, recipes, and special stories into a book that you can share and enjoy now and as a keepsake after death. Delete the collection to honor the life and legacy of your parents. Use professionals to help you if your time is limited.
Write love letters. Encourage or help your parents write love letters to the loved ones in their lives. These letters can be for your children, grandchildren or friends about whom they want to say some kind words, expressing what it means to them. These letters can heal and leave a special lasting legacy to those left behind at the time of their passing. Consider writing your letters now as well.
Practice giving and receiving. Your parents may find that you are giving more than their share. This imbalance can be a heavy burden on them. Anything you can do that encourages a greater balance between giving and receiving can help both of you.
Keep the limits. You still have your own life to live and other roles to play. Sometimes you will have to say “no” or “not now” to maintain balance and health in your life. You may have to regain the power that might be leaking by asserting your needs as well. Give yourself permission to say no sometimes and stick with it.
Leave the blame. Forgive yourself and forgive your parents. They are both doing the best they can in challenging circumstances. Be kind to yourself, take care of yourself, and ask for help to support you at this stage of life.
Remember to breathe. Deep breathing will calm you down when you feel fearful or anxious. Place your hand on your lower abdomen for a count of four as you inhale slowly and watch your hand rise. Then, on another count of four, slowly exhale all the air completely. Repeat several times.
Find some humor. Laughter will help relieve stress and worry. If you can’t laugh right now, have a fun book to read or a movie to watch later to relax. Tune in to your favorite comedian. Ellen DeGeneres often creates a giggle. She said, “My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty years old. Now she is ninety-seven and we don’t know where the hell she is.”
Play a game or read it to your parents. Play a game of cards or checkers to pass the time and stimulate your mind. Read a book you like or one of their old favorites to your parents. If your ear and mind can appreciate it, invest in audiobooks that can be played when you’re not there.
Remember to take it one day at a time. Worrying about tomorrow doesn’t help you live in peace today. Have plans to navigate future contingencies and then do your best to think only of what can be done today and let tomorrow come as it will be.
See the situation as an opportunity for spiritual growth. Rather than focusing solely on the trial or only the perspective of loss, explore the spiritual aspect of unfolding events.
Be aware that there may be frequent ups and downs per week, day, or hour. Avoid poles of hopeful or catastrophic thinking that can drain your energy and lead to false conclusions. Prepare for the ups and downs and be patient as you go through the stages.
Please wait before responding. Often times, you will have to pause before responding to avoid knee-jerk reactions or regrets. Maybe go and have a drink of water before answering. If the tension is high, consider taking a walk to vent, giving yourself even more time to compose your thoughts and words.
Look for healthy stress relief. Your body can put stress on your muscles, creating pain, headaches, and back pain. Consider making an appointment for massage, acupuncture, or chiropractic. Avoid the accumulation of ailments with treatments that align, balance and replenish your body.
Exit the visits thoughtfully. Because you never know if your loved one might die suddenly, take the opportunity to express your love and heartfelt goodbyes at each departure.
And finally, allow yourself and your parents to be imperfect. Even for an organized person, decline and death rarely go perfectly according to plan. And there may be no plan if the death is sudden or if there was a refusal to prepare. Unexpected things happen. So back to the first tip: accept what is.
These tips were derived from a chapter in the book. An Opportunity to Say Goodbye: Reflections on the Loss of a Father. The book is intended to provide support and guidance to caregivers and adult children of an older person.