I sometimes hear of wives who find themselves in an unhappy marriage because their husband is an unhappy person in general. And, obviously, it’s hard to have a happy or optimistic marriage when one spouse always seems determined to be miserable.
I recently heard from a wife who said, in part, “My husband is a very unhappy person every day. He’s always bringing me down. It’s like he’s determined to be miserable even if there are good things in his life.” life and even if we all do our best to make him happy. I started to notice that this is affecting my children. They’ll come home from school so excited to share something with us, and he’ll be the typical unhappy me of him and I can just wipe the excitement out of his eyes. I’m afraid that eventually they will start to shut down or disconnect in the same way that I did. This is not the way I want to live my life. Neither do I want my children to be in a constantly negative environment? I am considering leaving and filing for a separation or divorce, but the only thing that prevents me from doing so is the fear that the divorce will be more painful for my children. And sometimes I feel guilty that I’m considering leaving him without first giving him a chance to change. age But the problem is that I don’t think he can change. It’s been like this for years and I’m so tired of it. I want and deserve to feel happy again, but he takes all my joy away.”
This is a difficult situation because the chances are high that with a little effort on the part of both people, real change is possible. But understandably, the wife had lost her temper over the years. Still, she believed that there were a few things to try before she simply turned her back on him and walked away from her. I will discuss these things in the next article.
Has your husband always been an unhappy person? Or is there a root cause of unhappiness that can be addressed or eliminated: The wife described the unhappiness as a long-term problem, but upon further clarification, it became clear that when they first started dating and got married, he was actually quite upbeat and nice to be around. I asked the wife when she had noticed her husband starting to become more negative and unhappy. After thinking about it for a while, she admitted that she noticed a personality change after her husband finally decided to make a lifestyle and work change. Her husband had a law degree she had no intention of using, and when she met him, he was a struggling author.
Later, after they had children, they both wanted a higher and more secure income, so the husband dusted off his law degree and entered the corporate legal world. The wife admitted that her work was against her personality. He was very introverted and not confrontational. However, he had to constantly argue with other lawyers, since he was a trial lawyer. The wife was a little sympathetic, but at the end of the day, her position was that very few people were in love with her work and most didn’t complain or grieve about it on a daily basis. Her conclusion was that they needed the money and he was the main source of income.
His position was as understandable as hers. But, since her personality change coincided so perfectly with her career change, there was a good chance that if they could take some of the stress and conflict out of her job, she might see more of that happy, go-lucky, highly creative person than she was. used to. love so much. In short, her husband felt that he had to stifle who she was on an almost daily basis. This would make even the most optimistic people unhappy at least some of the time. It is by no means my intention to defend the husband, but I can see how spending every day pretending to be someone you are not will weigh on you after a while. And I felt that if the wife respected this instead of constantly telling her to put on the happy face that he wasn’t sorry, she could get much better results.
Because there was actually a lot of good news here. Her husband wasn’t unhappy because he didn’t love her anymore, he was stuck in a bad marriage, or he just had an unhappy personality. These things can eventually be changed or fixed, but her situation was potentially easier to handle.
Don’t keep quiet. Bring her unhappy behavior to her husband’s attention as soon as it bothers you: The wife was quite suffering in silence. She didn’t want to constantly complain because she felt that if she did, she would only be adding more misery to her home life. But staying silent doesn’t help either. She just ensures more of the same. She can bring her behavior to her husband’s attention without sounding like she’s complaining.
And here is something that few spouses living in this situation realize. Quite often, the unhappy person in the relationship is also not happy with the way things are going. They often suffer just as much as their spouse. They don’t like being unhappy all the time, but they aren’t sure how to change things. And this frustration only leads to more unhappiness.
I suggested that the next time her husband’s attitude brought everyone else down, she could say something like, “Honey, I’m not sure if you realize this, but your unhappiness is evident to everyone in our family. It hurts you.” I look so unhappy and it affects our marriage and our children. We have to do something about it because I’m afraid eventually none of us will be happy if we continue to live this way. And I know you don’t I don’t want that because you love us and want us to be one healthy and happy family. What can I do to help you right now? What would lighten your load? I hate to see you suffer like this.”
Note that I was careful to sound sympathetic rather than accusatory. I know approaching things with this tone can be challenging, but it’s often the way to get what you really want. And I think it’s a potential mistake to turn your back on your marriage before you’ve even tried to fix it.
Propose compromises that make you both happy: The wife was understandably reluctant to change her lifestyle in the hope that it would change her husband’s level of happiness. She didn’t think it was fair that she had to make drastic changes just because he “decided to be unhappy” with her work. But often even small changes will help. Her husband could change majors so she could use his creativity more and have less conflict to deal with. Being a litigator for a shy and introverted person can be quite challenging. But other areas of the law could be a better fit and make the husband much happier, which in turn would lead to big changes in the home.
The real key is to approach this with compassion. He wants the unhappy person to know that his goal is really to help them instead of accusing them of bringing everyone else down. Simply showing compassion will often start the process of positive change. And, if there is no problem that can be addressed or eliminated and depression is at stake, counseling or even self-help can do wonders before either person just walks away.