How to beat the bailiff in 10 easy steps

Being chased by a debt collector or sheriff can be one of the most traumatic and stressful experiences imaginable for an individual or family.

In the current economic climate, more and more creditors are employing the services of such to recover unpaid and delinquent debt.

Unlike bank bailouts, little fiscal intervention is accessible to those without the means to pay.

With a prized possession at stake, the tried and tested strategies below will educate the debtor in all areas of bailiff evasion while significantly alleviating much of the potential pain applicable, should their possessions come under duress.

1. Temporarily remove your name from the voter registry. Voter registration is the first place a bailiff will go to confirm that you are the person they are looking for. Think of it like your scope on your .45 magnum.

2. Change the nameplate on the door and the doorbell of your property; this kills the scent of the hunting hound.

3. Do not leave any windows open, sheriffs are authorized by law to enter a property through any missing or open window. If they succeed, they are allowed to either hit you with a citation on the spot or, more worryingly, appraise and encumber the assets owned for resale.

4. Close all blinds and shades inside your home and property. If they are unable to access the internal parts of the property, they may look through the windows of the properties to verify the eligibility of the internal goods for sale before returning for a second visit with a van to collect.

5. If you have a motor vehicle or car, I highly recommend that you put the car in exile in a hidden location. Similar to the one that witnessed the departure of Napoleon Bonaparte to Santa Elena.

The reason you should consider this option is in case the creditor, out of desperation, tries to repossess the car or take a second charge on it. This can occur if the creditor or sheriff fails to recover the debt through internal property taxation of his or her property.

6. Always contact sheriffs by email, and when doing so, copy any correspondence you send them through your local deputy’s office, senator’s office, or attorney. It is important that there is a robust communication flow compiled in case the dispute goes nuclear.

7. If sheriffs inadvertently gain access to your property, by law they can only take non-essential property like TVs and stereos.

One way to avoid taxing these precious consumer goods is to affirm that these items are, in fact, essential goods, indispensable on a daily basis to your work as a media consultant. Get a letter from a friendly media company to substantiate this.

8. I strongly urge you to withdraw any savings or money you may have from your bank account during any period of sheriff’s persuasion.

This action will mitigate the dire possibility of having your bank account frozen or any garnishment imposed on your winnings.

Load savings onto a series of prepaid master cards for everyday money operations.

Your employer can also upload wages and salaries to these master cards.

9. Last but most importantly, the best nugget I can arm you with during this harsh period is to implement the successful bailiff evasion technique that I personally used as seen below.

The first thing to know about handling bailiffs is that they are all trained in a technique called NLP, or neuro-linguistic programming, whereby they can read body language to interpret if the debtor is giving them a big porky. Think of it like a polygraph test without the electronics.

Let me show you if I can.

Being confronted at my door with the first line of “Christopher Dorman”

The brain’s natural response is to automatically pilot a “Yes” response when asked to confirm their name. This is basic psychology 101.

If you provide the answer Yes, you will immediately receive a summons and the court will call or, worse yet, the bailiffs will enter the property and find your property eligible for repossession.

To be fair, it’s a natural reaction to confirm your name, but unless asked by a police officer, you are not required by law to provide such information.

Therefore, I strongly recommend that you do the following.

Sheriff “Christopher Dorman”

Debtor “I’m afraid not, mate, if you leave your name and number, I’ll forward it to your new address.”

As long as you provide this answer with beautiful nuances, you’ll avoid the wrath of the collector.

10. The only caveat in my aforementioned strategy, only applies if the money is owed directly to Her Majesties Inland Revenue or to the IRS in the United States. If said money is owed to the former, then no bailiff technique in this world will be helpful.

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